The friendly skies?

Why do I turn into a bumbling idiot when I have to fly?

At home, I carefully pack "only the essentials" in my carry-on bag.

I wear slip-on shoes and the one pair of socks I own that don't have holes in the toes.

I locate the smallest amount of shampoo and conditioner I can find, and I put them into a plastic sandwich bag.

I wash the explosive residue from my hands...in case they're checking.

I wear nice underwear...in case they're REALLY checking...

And yet, when I get to the airport,

• I can't find my boarding pass.
  
• My wallet is stuck in an inaccessible pocket of my bag.
  
• My itinerary with the flight number is no where to be found.
  
• Dollar bills are falling out of my pants pockets (I put them in there so that I wouldn't have to dig through my purse to find my wallet).
  
• I drop my passport while I'm waiting in the check-in line. (Should I feel good that when the man who had the passport seemed a bit skeptical that it was my passport when he compared my picture to my actual face?)
• To top it all off, I end up in the security line in front of an extremely well-dressed, organized, irritated businessman.
  

Well, I'm home now. When they swabbed my hands for explosives, there was no residue and they haven't yet installed the full-body scanner in an airport near me.