My son and his fiance are struggling now with whether to have a public ceremony for the wedding. Their initial plan was to get married at City Hall with a justice of the peace. A few days later they would have a big party and invite all their friends. The question of who to invite to the City Hall "ceremony" became a thorny one. It is likely that there is little space in the City Hall chapel so someone would probably not be invited to the event. Who should be excluded? The siblings? But are they not important to the event? What about the aunts and uncles? There are more on one side than the other. For that matter, there are more parents on one side than the other (because of divorce and remarriage)!
After considerable discussion, my son called to say that they were thinking of not inviting anyone to the civil ceremony. They would simply go the court house and get married on their own. No parents. No siblings. I was very surprised at my own reaction. How would you feel about that, my son asked. Honestly, I said, I would be very disappointed. The ceremony doesn't matter, he explained. We'll all be together for the party. That's the part that we really want. The ceremony doesn't mean anything to us. It's just a legal formality.
I hung up the phone, feeling rather dejected. The initial thrill of their plans had worn off, and disappointment was starting to set in.
I sat down at my computer and tried to explain to him why I think a ceremony is important. It's funny. I had never really explained to him the importance of ritual and ceremony even though I had always made sure that each birthday and graduation was always marked in some way. Even at Christmas, many of the traditions we had established when the children were small are still celebrated with them as adults. Ceremony, I thought, is important, but why?
1. A public ceremony announces to the world that something important is happening. It is a sign of a new day. Relationships are changing. We should acknowledge that.
2. A ceremony, especially a marriage ceremony, is a call to action. It is a request to those in attendance for their utmost attention and interest. They are witness to an important event, and they are being called upon to be supportive.
3. It marks the joining of two families. We are one in support of this couple.
4. It is the reason for the celebration. How do you celebrate something you have not actually witnessed? Ok, you don't have to have been present at a birth to celebrate someone's birthday, but it certainly makes it more important if you have been! I guess that's just a parental thing. I was there at the beginning, and I'd like to be there for all the important stuff in the middle!
5. It makes the party complete! We have taken part in something momentous. Now we can celebrate.
I do not know where this will all end up. Maybe they'll have a ceremony. Maybe they won't. I do not want to get between them and make things unpleasant. I said I would, of course, go along with whatever they decide, and I certainly will. Their happiness is my first concern. Though it has caused some anxiety, I think it's good that this has come up. It has given my son and me a chance to have a discussion about our values. Would it have come up on it's own? I don't think so. Sometimes we assume that by the time our children are adults we have imparted all the wisdom we have, and then something like this comes up.
In the end, there will be great happiness. I am sure of that.
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