Prepping for the Big H

What have I been doing while waiting for hurricane Sandy to hit?

• Gone to the grocery store at least 10 times, in hopes of finding just the right combination of non-perishables.
• Walked around my development 19 times in an attempt to calm my nerves
• Danced in my kitchen to Bonnie Raitt songs...take it from me, it wasn't pretty.
• Cooked enough chili to feed an army.
• Packed my "go" bag, a bag full of my most important possessions 

The Storm

It's weird about the hurricane. Even though losing power for a week is nothing in comparison to losing your home, it was still pretty traumatic. Sitting in your house and not knowing what's going to happen next was a pretty scary thing. Nothing that you were used to doing was possible once it was over. You didn't know which roads would be open or if water was going to be limited. Could you get gas? It was freaky that the phones--both land lines and cell--were out for a period of time. So even if you didn't lose your home, it was still a tough time.

Everybody at work has been remarking about how off kilter they have been feeling since the storm. I think most are finally beginning to feel that things are back to normal, for the most part. It does weigh on your mind that there are so many people who are suffering from losing their homes, and the thought of losing big sections of the Jersey shore is really sad. Over the last 2 years, I've been spending a lot of time there, and I'm really sad to know that so many of those areas are, for the most part, gone.

The lines at the gas station are finally gone, but there are still many signs of the storm. For example, there are still lots of trees down. These are not just little twigs, but gigantic pine trees that I'm sure are very old.

Everybody I know is planning to get a generator, just in case we have another storm. In other words, people feel pretty certain that this was not the last of the big, crazy storms. I think that's definitely a shift in attitude.

I am very lucky to have good friends who kept checking in. I have a core set of neighbors who banded together and helped each other. That was a very comforting thing.

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving! We do all have so much to be grateful for!

Dear Date

Before we go out, you must provide:

• fingerprints
• driver's license
• FBI dossier
• urine sample
• snippet of hair

Ready to go?

Fall pedaling

What is it about biking that makes one feel so free.

Today was cool and sunny with a strong breeze. Riding along, I could see the waves crash against the shore. Black Eyed Susans were blooming like mad as if it were the middle of the hot summer. Those blooms were one last gasp of summer, and I was taking one last ride of the season.

Lives

For the past couple of years, I have been following two very different blogs. Different in that one focuses on a young woman (a mother and wife) and her husband who were badly burned in an airplane accident. The other focuses on a 50+ year old man who serves as a deacon at a local church and has been suffering from cancer. Each writer writes in detail about their daily struggle. One describes the joys of raising 5 young children, the last of whom was born 3 years after the accident. The other describes the day-to-day realities of battling what appears to be a terminal and virulent form of cancer.

Each day I check in and see how they are doing. Is the chemo working? Has he been able to go back to work? What about his position as a deacon?

And what of the young mother. How are the children doing? Is the baby thriving? Is she happy to have survived but to being struggling with the stares of strangers and the future of many more surgeries?

It's a strange thing, but both blogs are the same in that both people are dealing with what must seem at times impossible situations. Ironically enough, both are incredibly hopeful people and it is rare to read complaints from either one.

Why then do I care? I can't answer that question. I guess it's a little like reading a soap opera. There's no sex and definitely no violence. What there is is a lot of hope and strength. It's amazing how strong these folks are. It is also amazing how each one continues on with the day-to-day routines of their lives. They take care of others. They enjoy new food. They react to the stories of the day. But perhaps they cannot share the deep emotions that they share online with those around them. I suspect it is a good outlet for them.

Maybe sometimes I need a little of their hope and strength. Thankfully, I am not dealing with anything even remotely close to what they are handling. But it doesn't hurt to see how others are living and struggling. That sounds very selfish, but it is not meant to. Perhaps I'm just nosey (I know that to be a fact). Perhaps there's just a need to know how others handle adversity.

Their humanness is raw. One can feel their abject pain and joy. Their lives go on while they struggle each day with their own mortality. Something that each one of us does each day

Hack, Hack, Hack...

Do you think it's possible to start coughing and be unable to stop? I'm beginning to think that's possible! Hack, Hack, Hack, Akkkkkk

Child Anxiety

What is it about a child that makes a parent anxious?

Is it a deeply egotistical need to convince ourselves that we have done everything right when it comes to raising them? Is it an evolutionary adaptation that requires us to protect our young from harm so that our species will continue?

I think for me it is a desire to keep my children from experiencing any of the pain that I have experienced in my life. I look at my son as he embarks on marriage and I worry that he will make the same mistakes I made and will experience the deep sorrow that I  have experienced. When I start thinking that way, I remind myself that along with the deep sorrow I experienced, I also experienced deep joy, not the least of which was the birth of this son (and his siblings). It is hard though.

I find myself holding back when I hear him express exasperation about this or that decision. I want to suggest that he solve it this way or that. But that cannot be right. We each make choices, some good, some not so good. We learn through our mistakes. He will have to do that, just as I did.

It's a funny thing about age. It is not possible to put the young into your "old" shoes and make them see life from your perspective, but then I do not want him to live my life. I want him to live his life.

Marriage is full of joys and sorrows. We want our children to experience the joys of marriage, and to avoid the sorrows of marriage. I know that I cannot have it both ways. I guess this must be where faith comes in. I must have faith that all will go well. I must have faith in my child that he will make the right choices.

For parents, life is full of child anxiety. I am learning.

Mistaken Identity or Who the Heck is Judy?

I went to a local restaurant to meet a friend of mine for lunch a few days ago. When I entered the restaurant, a guy sitting at the bar pointed to me and waved hello. I smiled and said hello back--I'm friendly like that.

As I looked around for my friend, the guy persisted and asked if I was looking for him. "Are you J....." I thought he said my name and I said yes and then thought perhaps I had met him elsewhere.

After a few seconds, I decided I definitely did not know this guy and I began to shake my head vigorously. "I'm not the person you're looking for."

But again, he implored, "are you J..." Again, I nodded yes, but assured him I wasn't who he was looking for. I suddenly realized he was saying Judy---not my name. "I'm not Judy. I'm Julie. I'm not who you're looking for." That didn't stop him though. As I turned around to leave, he stepped toward me and said "If the guy you're looking for doesn't show up, let me know and we'll have dinner."

Seriously? Judy--if you're out there. Drop this guy. He's waaaay too easy!!!

Ceremony, Again

After much discussion, my son and his fiance will go to City Hall to satisfy the legalities of their wedding, but a good friend will "marry" them at their party. They will recite vows in public. I am happy. The bride's family is happy. They are happy. Happy dance, anyone?

What is the purpose of ceremony?

My son and his fiance are struggling now with whether to have a public ceremony for the wedding. Their initial plan was to get married at City Hall with a justice of the peace. A few days later they would have a big party and invite all their friends. The question of who to invite to the City Hall "ceremony" became a thorny one. It is likely that there is little space in the City Hall chapel so someone would probably not be invited to the event. Who should be excluded? The siblings? But are they not important to the event? What about the aunts and uncles? There are more on one side than the other. For that matter, there are more parents on one side than the other (because of divorce and remarriage)!

After considerable discussion, my son called to say that they were thinking of not inviting anyone to the civil ceremony. They would simply go the court house and get married on their own. No parents. No siblings. I was very surprised at my own reaction. How would you feel about that, my son asked. Honestly, I said, I would be very disappointed. The ceremony doesn't matter, he explained. We'll all be together for the party. That's the part that we really want. The ceremony doesn't mean anything to us. It's just a legal formality.

I hung up the phone, feeling rather dejected. The initial thrill of their plans had worn off, and disappointment was starting to set in.

I sat down at my computer and tried to explain to him why I think a ceremony is important. It's funny. I had never really explained to him the importance of ritual and ceremony even though I had always made sure that each birthday and graduation was always marked in some way. Even at Christmas, many of the traditions we had established when the children were small are still celebrated with them as adults. Ceremony, I thought, is important, but why?

1. A public ceremony announces to the world that something important is happening. It is a sign of a new day. Relationships are changing. We should acknowledge that.

2. A ceremony, especially a marriage ceremony, is a call to action. It is a request to those in attendance for their utmost attention and interest. They are witness to an important event, and they are being called upon to be supportive.

3. It marks the joining of two families. We are one in support of this couple.

4. It is the reason for the celebration. How do you celebrate something you have not actually witnessed? Ok, you don't have to have been present at a birth to celebrate someone's birthday, but it certainly makes it more important if you have been! I guess that's just a parental thing. I was there at the beginning, and I'd like to be there for all the important stuff in the middle!

5. It makes the party complete! We have taken part in something momentous. Now we can celebrate.

I do not know where this will all end up. Maybe they'll have a ceremony. Maybe they won't. I do not want to get between them and make things unpleasant. I said I would, of course, go along with whatever they decide, and I certainly will. Their happiness is my first concern. Though it has caused some anxiety, I think it's good that this has come up. It has given my son and me a chance to have a discussion about our values. Would it have come up on it's own? I don't think so. Sometimes we assume that by the time our children are adults we have imparted all the wisdom we have, and then something like this comes up.

In the end, there will be great happiness. I am sure of that.

Legs don't fail me now!

Took a great bike ride with the AMC club today. We started out at Allaire State Park and rode all the way out to the Jersey shore...Bel Mar to be precise. What a beautiful day! The complete trip was about 26 miles and included a lunch stop on benches that looked out over the crashing surf.

The water was rough and the waves crashed violently on the shore. Sun bathers were out in force and bikini-clad babes were everywhere (something the guys on the bike ride appreciated).

The clouds were huge and fluffy and the temp was in the upper 70s. After a week of 100 degree temps, the low temperatures were a welcome relief.

At times, the ride reminded me of when my brother John and I used to ride our bikes (somewhat recklessly) through the town where we grew up. He was in charge of me--his baby sister. I suspect our mother never knew the extent of our daily rides, which of course, made the rides even more exciting. We dodged traffic and rode as far as we could.  All my mother knew was that we were home safe and sound by the time she got home from work. For all she knew, we had spent the afternoon watching the Roadrunner and the Flintstones.

Good times then. Good times today. Thanks to my trusty bicycle!

Yet another tragic shooting

There's been yet another horrible mass shooting today. This time it was at a movie theater where the latest Batman movie was playing. The shooter rose out of the dark and burst into the enthusiastic crowd who were just out to have some fun. He killed a dozen people and injured many others. He even booby trapped his own apartment, I suppose in hopes of killing cops who might arrive to search his apartment after the shooting. He was right. They came to search the apartment, but  they wisely approached with great caution and found the lethal devices the man had set up before they detonated.

It is no solace to anyone to know that the man may be mentally ill. People have lost family members to the senseless act of a shooter. Arguments are raging over how to stop these things, and yet most likely, nothing will change. People will still be able to go out and purchase guns under the guise of protecting themselves. Others will continue in their isolation to brood about their situations and then to plan mass destruction of complete strangers.

Network news will play hours and hours of horrific sights and sounds from the shooting. Reporters will interview victims and surmise about the motive.

Families will grieve. They will bear the open wounds of survivors for the rest of their lives. Security will be temporarily increased at movie theaters, and gun dealers will continue to sell guns.

It is truly a sad day. One that will be swept away by other events tomorrow.

I hope those who died will rest in peace and that those who were left behind will some how be able to continue on.

Old Friends

Out of the blue, a friend of mine who now lives in Hong Kong, called and asked if she could come and visit me. She has lived in Hong Kong for the last 20 years, and I have seen her only a few times in all those years. Prior to leaving for Hong Kong, she and her husband and three children had lived next door to my family and me (husband, three children, and me).

After a long embrace, the stories began. A story about a mother for whom she provided care for years. A story about a daughter who married without telling her parents.

We traded frustrations and joys. We laughed about our mistakes. We cried about our pain. We reminisced about times gone by.

We visited the old neighborhood and took pictures in front of our old homes.

We embraced again and she went on her way...back to Hong Kong.

It was as if we had never been apart.

Pure Delight

I did not think I would be so excited, but I can hardly contain myself. My middle child, a son, called to say that he had just proposed to his girlfriend. The delight in his voice was palpable. The wedding is close to a year away, but they have already started to make the plans, write the invite list, consider the menu. It is a sweet time, and I cannot wait for the big event.

Don't tell anyone!

Yesterday was moving day for several people in my office. After many grumbles and gripes, the moves took place. For the most part, staff were happy, but admitting it is a different story!

Me: Hi, Nicky. How's it going? How do you like your new digs?

Nicky: Oh, I'm so happy! The pod is awesome!

Me: Glad to hear it, Nicky.

Nicky: But don't tell anyone. I wouldn't want anyone to know I'm happy!

Me: My lips are sealed.